


You, Me, & Toady B

by poetatertot



Category: Naruto
Genre: Animal Whisperer Naruto, Bad Puns, Comedy, Established Relationship, Fluff and Humor, M/M, no toads were harmed in the making of this fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-21
Updated: 2020-01-21
Packaged: 2021-02-27 08:55:12
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,350
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22340656
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/poetatertot/pseuds/poetatertot
Summary: Naruto finds a new pet. Sasuke is less than enthused.
Relationships: Uchiha Sasuke & Uzumaki Naruto, Uchiha Sasuke/Uzumaki Naruto
Comments: 23
Kudos: 178





	You, Me, & Toady B

**Author's Note:**

> I've been holding onto this idea since last August LMAO here y'all go

“No. Absolutely not.”

“But  _ Sasuke.”  _ Naruto batted his eyelashes. “He’s my  _ son.” _

“Not if I can help it,” Sasuke replied grimly. He kicked open the front door and jabbed one thumb out towards the stormy onslaught. “Get it out.  _ Now.” _

Naruto’s fingers gently stroked the toad’s back. He had  _ that look  _ on his face—all screwed-up eyebrows and pouting lips—that meant Sasuke was inevitably going to pay for some convoluted plan-turned-hellscape-mistake. 

Sasuke just hoped he wouldn’t have to pay out of pocket this time. But really, how  _ did  _ Naruto create five hundred dollars in damages?

“Fine,” his boyfriend huffed. He stepped out onto the porch and knelt over the edge, ignoring the rain pelting onto him. The toad in his hands croaked and squirmed, blinking its bulbous eyes up at Naruto. It almost looked  _ sad.  _

_ Ugh.  _ Now Sasuke was giving it a conscience. He knew he shouldn’t have let Naruto bring it in.

“Farewell,” Naruto sighed. He plopped the toad with an unceremonious  _ thunk  _ into the rumpled bushes beyond the doorstep. “Be sure to look both ways before you cross the street. And don’t talk to strangers. And avoid cats. And—”

_ “Naruto.” _

“All right, all right.” He got up, scratching absently at the new wet patch on his jeans. “Bye little toady.”

Naruto schlepped inside. Sasuke locked the door behind him, and that was that.

Or at least it  _ should  _ have been. After knowing Naruto for twenty years, Sasuke should’ve known it was never that easy.

* * *

It all started with a cat.

Sasuke had just gotten home from work. He’d never been so relieved to shuck his slacks for sweatpants; it felt like he was sloughing off eighty years of work-related trauma. He shuffled to the couch and turned on the cooking channel with a cup of tea.

After exactly fifteen minutes of soothing chopping and baking, Naruto bust through the front door.

Sasuke looked up from the TV. Naruto stared back at him, chest heaving, cheeks flushed pink. His hair was in absolute disarray; his slacks were streaked with mud. 

The small tabby in his arms mewled pitifully.

“What—” Sasuke cleared his throat. He muted the TV. “Naruto. That better not be what I think it is.”

“I couldn’t leave her out there. She looked so  _ hungry  _ and she followed me three whole blocks and  _ Sasuke,  _ I know you love cats, what would  _ you  _ have done?” Naruto paused for breath and held her up for him to see better. “Look, doesn’t she look sweet?”

She did. She was orange with a white belly turned grey with filth, and big, soulful brown eyes. Sasuke’s heart squeezed like a fist. 

“You don’t even know if she’s stray,” he made himself say, but it was already a lost cause. He could tell from the look in Naruto’s eyes, the way his fingers held her so gently, that he wouldn’t ever let her go. As he watched, his boyfriend lifted the cat to his cheek and rubbed the top of her head slowly. She began to purr.

“Just until she’s fed,” Naruto pleaded. He held her so carefully, it was all Sasuke could do to just watch. “Just until we find her a home?”

The cat mewled again.

“Fine,” Sasuke grunted. He turned away, unmuting the TV and ignoring the way his face flushed at the sight of them. He was  _ not  _ going to get invested in this. He  _ refused.  _ “Just—keep her in the bathroom, alright? She might have fleas.”

Famous last words.

Now, with one hand stroking over Kurama’s back, it was safe to say she wasn’t going  _ anywhere.  _ Nor was Oni, their black Bombay, or Cici the beagle (short for CVS, where they happened to find her). It was also safe to say that their landlord probably hated them.

But hey, as long as they kept clean and paid rent, what could he do?

Sleeping arrangements became steadily more  _ creative  _ over the years. Sasuke could only hold out for so long before Naruto had his way; it was the way their relationship always had worked, with Sasuke being obstinate and Naruto worming into the soft, mushy part of his boyfriend’s heart.

Now, after five years in their latest apartment, the bed wasn’t just Sasuke and Naruto’s. It was Kurama’s at the headboard between them, and Oni’s on top of Sasuke’s feet, and Cici’s at the bottom where she sprawled out like a starfish. With the way Naruto hogged blankets and snored like a train, there existed little mystery on why Sasuke always woke up cold and creaky. He couldn’t remember the last time he slept without twisting into a pretzel.

But it was fine. It was  _ routine.  _ Sasuke could live with this arrangement.

What was decidedly  _ not  _ routine, however, was waking up Sunday morning after the rain to a new weight on his chest.

Sasuke opened his eyes. He blinked, twice.

_ Maybe,  _ he thought,  _ if I go back to sleep, this will all be just a dream.  _ He squeezed his eyes shut and counted to ten.

The toad on his chest belched.

“Naruto,” he groaned. “What have you done?”

* * *

“I’ve always wanted a toad. Like,  _ look  _ at him. Isn’t he the coolest thing you’ve ever seen?”

Sasuke squinted over his coffee. The toad on the counter blinked slowly, throat quivering, and hopped into the sink.

“It’s definitely something,” he said reluctantly.

“I really think he was someone’s pet or something,” Naruto went on thoughtfully. “He showed up at the front door, you know? And he let me hand-feed him.  _ And  _ he likes being held. How many wild toads like being held?”

“It’s not a good idea, Naruto. Even if it wasn’t wild, we don’t know the first thing about taking care of a toad. Look at it!” 

The toad in the sink peeked out at them.

Naruto looked back at him. “I don’t get it.”

Sasuke huffed loudly. “You idiot,” he snapped, “have you ever even owned a toad before? We can’t just  _ keep  _ it. We already have Cici, and Oni, and Kurama. You know, our  _ other  _ rescue animals? We can’t become a sanctuary for every stray that shows up.”

“Why not?” 

Sasuke's eye twitched. 

“I’ve already looked online,” Naruto said. “It can’t be that hard. I know where the closest reptile store is, and I Googled  _ everything  _ we need to know immediately. I was gonna go get a tank after breakfast. Oh,  _ please,  _ Sas, c’mon, you know how much I wanted a frog!”

“That’s not a frog,” Sasuke pointed out. “And when we talked about an amphibian, I was hoping for one that was trained.  _ Domesticated.” _

“Give me one week. One week is all I ask.”

Sasuke glared over his coffee cup; Naruto stared back, his trademark Puppy Dog Eyes in full form. 

Naruto’s persistence was going to be the death of him.

“Don’t make me regret this,” he started, but his warning was drowned out by  _ oh thank you’s  _ and  _ I love you’s  _ and a smattering of kisses over his eyelids and cheeks that smelled like coffee, and really, how was Sasuke supposed to say no to that?

* * *

Toady B lived in the living room. 

Never mind that Toady B was technically named after a woman. They’d been coming home from the exotic pet store when Naruto simultaneously blasted pop music and had the loudest epiphany known to man.

“It’s a  _ sign,”  _ he crowed over ear-splitting bass. “We  _ have  _ to name him that!”

“Annoying?” Sasuke hollered over the music. He reached for the dial; Naruto swatted his hand away.

_ “No,  _ Sasuke.  _ Toady B!”  _

Sasuke paused at a stop sign to give Naruto his best Are You Shitting Me face. Either Naruto was finally immune (somewhat likely, considering how long they’d been dating) or he was just ignoring him (much more likely). Naruto beamed at his reflection in the side view mirror like he was going to be in the paper.

“I’m a genius,” he groaned. “Oh my  _ god. Toady B.” _

Naruto’s newest obsession lived in an ungodly-large tank on a bookshelf. Sasuke liked to think they did a good job outfitting it; there was moss, and soil, and an old cup with their alma mater logo on it. Naruto even hand-painted a flowerpot for Toady B to hide in. 

To Naruto’s credit, he took the greatest precautions to make Toady B comfortable. There were calcium supplements, and special feeding times alerted by his ribbit ringtone; there was even the occasional nature documentary turned on. 

You know. So he didn’t get bored.

“He isn’t even looking,” Sasuke pointed out, exasperated. “He’s in his dish. Naruto,  _ look.” _

“Maybe he doesn’t like this part. How would  _ you  _ know? You’re not the toad whisperer!”

“And you’re—what, Doctor Dolittle’s idiot brother?” Sasuke shoved his pillow into Naruto’s shoulder. “Move over, you’re hogging all the space.”

Toady B was.. unnerving. Sasuke liked to think himself capable of getting along with any animal, but apparently that didn't include toads. Sometimes he got off of work before Naruto and ended up making dinner under Toady B’s beady gaze. He was positive he was being judged.

“Maybe you’re making him nervous with all your anxiety,” Naruto suggested.  _ “Relax, and your toad will relax with you.” _

The last thing Sasuke wanted to do was relax with a ribbiting, warty animal. He deigned not to tell Naruto this.

* * *

Everything came to a head exactly two weeks and three days after Toady B’s unsanctioned arrival.

“So, like, you love me a lot right?”

Sasuke peered over his laptop. “What did you do.”

“Nothing! Nothing, I just, uh..” Naruto paused in the bedroom doorway, thumbing absently at the frame. “Well. It wasn’t really  _ my  _ fault, but—”

_ “Naruto.”  _ Something akin to dread gapes in Sasuke’s gut. Naruto’s looking awfully sweaty, fidgeting in place, and that usually only means one thing. “What did you  _ do?” _

His boyfriend’s bottom lip wobbled. “I—Sasuke I’m  _ sorry but—”  _ he sucked in a breath— “ _ ToadyBisgoneandIneedhelpfindinghim.” _

Silence stretched between them.

“I’m sorry,” Sasuke deadpanned. He slammed his laptop shut. “Did you say there’s a wild toad lost in our house? How did you even  _ do  _ that?”

“I didn’t mean to!” Arms flailed; eyes watered. “I—I was only gone for  _ ten seconds,  _ and when I came back he was  _ gone!” _

“Okay, well did you check under the sofa?”

“Yes! And the bookshelves. And the TV.  _ And  _ in the kitchen.” Naruto’s wide eyes bugged. “Sasuke, what if Toady B gets  _ thirsty?” _

“Then let’s hope he finds the dog dish,” Sasuke retorted. He got to his feet, jamming on his slippers. There was no point in ignoring Naruto when he got like this—he had to help him, or suffer his moaning and groaning for at least a week.

Plus, cold as Sasuke was, he wasn’t mean enough to let a toad die in his house. Even if that toad  _ did  _ hate him.

“Oh my god,” Naruto moaned, trailing after him. “Kurama’s going to  _ eat  _ him. My first toad is going to be a  _ cat snack!” _

“Stop complaining and help me.” Sasuke paused in the living room doorway. “Let’s check under all of the furniture again, alright? And look  _ carefully.” _

Toady B wasn’t in his enclosure. He wasn’t under the couch, or wedged behind the TV, or hidden in the fruit bowl. He wasn’t under the sink or in the cupboards or next to the fridge or— 

After an hour of searching (tearing the house apart, in Naruto’s case) it was clear Toady B wasn’t anywhere.

Sasuke’s eyes trailed to the sliding glass. It was locked tight, sure, but maybe toads had secret ninja powers he didn’t know about? He wasn’t a toad whisperer!

Naruto followed his gaze. “Oh my god,” he breathed. “You don’t think?”

“If you insist on looking everywhere—”

“My  _ son! Gone back to the wild!”  _ Naruto threw up his arms. “I’ve been  _ abandoned!  _ Sasuke, is this what empty nesting feels like?”

Sasuke scrambled for the dregs of his inner calm. “Look, just—Put on your shoes, alright? I’ll be out in a second. I have to pee.”

“Toady B is missing and all you can think about is your bladder? Sasuke, this is our  _ child!” _

The other pets rightfully stayed out of the way during this whole endeavor. Sasuke could see them judging him as he passed through the bedroom; in his absence, Oni and Kurama had clamored next to the laptop for warmth. Cici lay at the end of the bed, watching him tiredly.

_ Oh that Naruto,  _ she seemed to say.  _ But you love him. _

“I do,” Sasuke informed her, “but I was the one who told him a wild animal was a bad idea.”

He shuffled into the bathroom. Pulled up the toilet seat absentmindedly. Unzipped his pants—

_ “Cr—ook.” _

Sasuke froze. He looked down. 

And began to yell.

* * *

“Oh baby boy, my sweet lumpy son, don’t  _ ever  _ do that again to me.” Naruto crooned, stroking the tank’s surface. He was soaked to the bone—apparently he’d gone searching in the garden  _ without a coat in the rain— _ but Sasuke didn’t have the heart to admonish him. He’d practically burst into tears at the sight of Toady B in Sasuke’s arms.

“How did you find him?” He’d gasped, popping open the tank. “Where  _ was  _ he?”

“In the bathroom.” Naruto didn’t have to know the details. It was better that way.

“You’re a lifesaver,” his boyfriend informed him. “My superhero. My—my fairy toadmother.”

“I’m your boyfriend,” Sasuke said, “and I say you need to change. You’re getting water all over the floor.” He passed him a towel.

“I love you,” Naruto sighed. He draped the towel over his head, rubbing his hair thoroughly. “Toady B, don’t you have the sweetest daddy?”

The idea of fathering a toad wasn’t first on Sasuke’s bucket list, but he figured, swaddling Naruto in warm blankets in front of the TV, that he could live with it. Anything to make Naruto happy.

* * *

"Say, Sasuke?" Naruto said that night. They'd turned out the lights and gotten into position; Sasuke could feel Oni numbing his toes already. 

He rolled over. "Hmm?"

"What do you think about getting a lizard?"

**Author's Note:**

> It should be noted that if you decide to nab a wild toad, you shouldn't pick it up until you're _sure_ it trusts you.. and even then, sparingly. With washed hands.  
> There's also other stuff you shouldn't do with a wild toad.. like bring it inside.. but HEY Toady B is happy so it's okay.  
> Right?
> 
> [tumblr](https://poetatertot.tumblr.com/)


End file.
